Scholarship Essay Errors - Avoid This One

Let's say you have to write a scholarship essay. You could write something like the paragraph below.

My experiences while in academic pursuits during the intraequinoxial lunar cycles included the discovery of the ancient Babylonian rites of astral projection, invisibility through continued cerebral conditioning, and random numerical procession of statistical prediction and probability functions had a profound affect on my personal mission statement possibilities, while also being very emotional for me due to incorrect translation or transcription and provided the involuntary rescission of my abstraction and cogitation of late denarian and vicenarian retirement, due to budgetary impoundment combined with extenuating leverage, though I did learn something in the process, and did revise the standard astrology chart at the same time. My version will soon go before the International Association of Astrology Practitioners and Professionals for official IAAPP adoption worldwide.

Or, you could write this in your essay for your scholarship application:

While on study abroad last summer, I discovered ancient Babylonian records. The records included instructions on how to leave your body, become invisible, and predict lottery numbers. Such information affected me, and I have since reconsidered my goals. Also, it turns out that the lottery information was flawed, either when written or when translated. I had to stop buying lottery tickets because I had run out of money and maxed out my credit cards. My studies did produce valuable findings, though. I have even proposed changes to the standard astrology charts currently in use by the International Association of Astrology Practitioners and Professionals (IAAPP).

Isn't that easier to read and understand?

(By the way, I wrote "later denarian and vicenarian disoccupation" to mean retiring when you are a late teen or in your twenties. And you should never use that phrase if you want to win a scholarship!)

When you write, use intelligent language, but don't go for the biggest words you can find. Mark Twain, who wrote for the newspaper, said why use policeman when cop will do? Of course, you should use good vocabulary. If you start sounding like my sample above, you've gone way to far.

One key to avoiding thesaurizing: use proofreaders. Let others read your essays before you send them. They can tell you if you sound pompous, overbearing, or just weird. If that happens, don't worry. See what your proofreaders found wrong, and try again.

Good luck on your quest. You can win scholarships, you just have to improve and keep applying.